Howdy ‘Merica! I’d like to start off by appologizin’ about the down-time, one of my stories went popular on DIGG and I had failed to turn on the Cache so wordpress kept a’dumpin’ my server. It’s now up and runnin’ with full force yet again!

Well, ‘Merica, I’m gonna’ talk about how America is the leader in the fashion industry and moreover, I’m going to show ya’ll some of the new, hip fashions of the REAL AMERICAN CULTURE! Ain’t none of that french pussy-pussy look, that ain’t for ‘Merica. We’re real men and women who dress for success. This is more of a picture editorial, so ya’ll can take a break from readin’. I know, ‘Merica, I don’t want to strain ya’all’s vision and what not with the readin’ jargon. I know, it’s hard for me to read.

Let’s start off by examin’ the workin’ man’s outfit. As you see here, he’s fully equipped with shopco denim, which offers style, versatility and comfort that every man desires. And following, is his oil-stained flannel shirt which accents his bone-structure and size. His hat, which is most likely a blue hat with an ‘Merican flag on it really accents that fact that his wife is towin’ the til. As it should be, right ‘Merica?

Now this classy weddin’ ensamble is somethin’ only found in fashion magazines. The bride is equipped with a missin’ breast-strap, a pregnant belly and a cigarette in her hand. She just radiates classiness. The groom, outfitted with denim jeans, which have been warn by time to deminstrate his devotion and kept in uniform with a flannel-meets-cutoff-tux that really falls all together with the mullet and gaped teeth. That dog must feel honored to share the same air with that lovin’ couple.

The breather/expander is the only fashion statement that is good for casual, romantic and business. This offers support and “breathin’ room” that every red-blooded American needs! He looks both proud and happy to be able to sport such an outfit of class and charisma. No doubt in my mind that with that outfit, this gentleman with find his lady.

The practical and stylish full-galosh look is for a guy on the go. Weather he’s on land or balls deep in a swamp in the heart of some state where imbreedin’s encouraged, he’s always prepared. With a Coors lights and a straw cow-boy hat, he’s ready to weather any weather or climate.

This is for the dedicated and true of kind, the clothin’ without clothin’ look is surely makin’ a comeback in country malls and circular racetracks and is really affordable. I honor this style with the America is THE BEST ‘BUDGET’ Award, and I could easily see myself wearin’ this, rain or shine. It’s a complementing look with your wife’s outfit and is definitely church or business attire.

The all-America is a look that has been emulated for years, and gettin’ it just right is damn near impossible. It’s the right cocktail of silver eyeshadow and unbutton’d buttons that really say, “We’re here with passion for fashion” and this look is a timeless classic. I can only attempt to achieve the grace and splendor that this outfit offers.

Last but not least ‘Merica, the BK surprise is the outfit for the casual lifestyle. With a realaxed fit tiara and a makeshift cupholder, you can only imagine that this would be showcased with Elle or Vogue magazine. It’s stunnin’ really.

Well, ‘Merica, that’s it for ma’self today, I hope ya’ll keep on truckin’, keep on bein’ the BEST DAMN COUNTRY EVER!

The Moon is sucha’ beautiful place, ya’ll, and thank goodness America owns the intellectual right to it. Ya’see, it’s ’cause we’re the only country that’s EVER been. And we only needed to go once to claim it all, and because we have proof, we have the ability to boast and say, “Russia, sucks for you!”.

When ‘Merica joined the great ‘Space Race’ in December of 1956, it made a vow to kick some USSR ass, and by golly ya’ll, it sure did. We were in peril of the Russian’s wippin’ out their stuff and showin’ us who’s boss, with sendin’ that there monkey and all in to space. Not to mention Sputnik, that spy satalite that kept watch on EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN SOUL, when we was eatin’, bathin’, makin’ relations, readin’, usin’ the bathroom, the Russians knew what any of us was doin’ at any given’ time.

Now ya’ see, ‘Merica, we couldn’t have that, so our great president announced to the world that we would be the first to touch foot on the moon. And millions of dollars and thousands of man hours went in to the Apollo project that would ultimately take us to the moon. Finally on July 20th, 1969, America got it’s wake up call and found out that the hippies neaded to cease and disist ’cause we were now space dwellers. Those silly bastards on Apollo 11 stepped foot on the moon. Now, it’s true that we don’t have the technology to get back to the moon - maybe someone lost it, like a Janitor or whatnot. It’s not like they had advanced computer systems or anything and they all weren’t rocket scientists.

And in spite of that “VAN ALLEN BELT”, that thick layer of radiation that would kill anyone who passes through it within a matter of minutes, we had God’s love to carry us through. If God invented that belt of radiation that kills any life that passes through it, he could just turn it off for a minute or two… I mean it’s only there to protect us against solar winds and harmful rays that the sun emits. That’s all.

Now, I know that you’re thinkin’, the shadows intersect on the moon, as seen in most of the pictures NASA released, and it couldn’t be logically possible to only have one light-source like NASA had claimed, and that light source being the sun. Well, you ain’t ever been to the moon so ya’ll don’t know what it’s like up there. It could be different, maybe shadows intersect up there. Until you’ve been to tha’ moon, you can keep your mouth shut. And maybe they only release 2% of the pictures taken ’cause they didn’t look good in the other 98% of them. And no, just ’cause fast-forwarding the at 2X the “recorded” speed of the moon walk depicts average earth gravity doesn’t mean it was shot on earth. Maybe everything is just EXACTLY 2 times slower up there on the moon.

I mean, just ’cause there isn’t much proof that we were there and the proof that it was faked is more thoroughly mapped out doesn’t mean we weren’t there. We still own the moon and that’s just another reason why America is the best.

‘Howdy ya-all Americans!  Hope everyone’s havin’ a swell day today!  Just wanted to get started by saying I’ve had a few positive emails for the cause and I appreciate them, not nearly as much as I appreciate the nasty ones however.  Anyway, I wanted to talk about Reason 13:  How Americas inspire advertisement and the advertisement age.

America is positively the best because of our robotic nature to being sold things.  We are, in a sense, pigs running in to a big trough just lookin’ to get fed.  We, as a society are so atoned with the opinion of the masses, that we cannot go one day without buyin’ the new, the fresh, the cool.  It’s our obsession as Americans, yet, we’re ain’t no shopaholics, no we ain’t, we’re well above that.  A shopaholic is a 14-old-girl who pisses away her allowance on a new purse or shoes.  We, moreover, need everything, from the Weed-claw to remove weeds with ‘little to no effort’ to the doggy step, to prevent sore feet for our canines.   We are truly succeeding not on our intellect, but our ability to support the economy.

We are so absorbed, as Americans, by modern day advertisement that it’s no longer an  just an advertisement, it’s beacon to us on what we need, think and want.  And in-turn we gracefully bow down, buy it and pretend to be happy until the next pile of shit contraption comes down so we can buy it up.  That’s what makes America great.  We keep even the little guys who manufacture Novelty toilet seats in business because we’re natural buyers.  As long as they advertise right (Any advertisement at all will work, hell, even the 3AM infomercials do the trick) they’ll be millionaires on the American dime.  It’s nature and we Americans have a pattern.  It goes a little somethin’ like this:

1. See it on TV
   
2. See a friend use it
3. Use it yourself.
4. Regardless of how you feel about it, buy it.  If your friend has it, you have to have it too.
5. Sell at garage sale.  Make less than 5% back on what you originally spent.
6. Return to TV to find something new.

It’s Pure American Capitalism. Hell, the ads on the right side of this page is just me tryin’ to get my cut in the Advertisement world.  Don’t judge me, I’m just a red blooded’ ‘Merican.

Go America!

So I got an angry E-Mail today ’bout how America is the root of all evil.  I felt a little honored to have been attacked with such ferocity but some silly Canadian.  Here, ya’ll, is a little excerpt from the email:

How dare you think your America is the best.  We Canadians often times make fun of your “American Brute Force” and mock you all with ease.  Your stupid blog jus displays your own idiocy and I cannot believe I’m even here.  Thanks for making it easier to attack you.

Daniel,

Quebec, Canada

Now Now, Danny boy, I’ve gotta admit, if you were lyin’, I’d tear your silly Country from limb to limb, but the fact of the matter is that you’re about ‘ahundred and twenty percent accurate.  We Americans love our bombs and we love our American Brute Force and I feel your attack is a sign of fear.  See, the only thing America fears is God and it don’t say no where in that Bible that Americans can’t blow up other countries.  That’s right, we ‘aint afraid of you, America’s Hat, or any other third world country that fence-sits any war.  We are a country of power and large ammounts of C4 explosives and we ‘aint taken NO SASS from any man.

It just goes to show you, World, that if you’re not in - you’re out.  Your Anti-war peace protests are nothin’ in comparison to 300 F-18s or a barrage of assault riffles.  America knows that it can’t hug it’s way out of any wars and it’s willin’ blow everythin’ up, includin’ itself for freedom.   That’s right ‘Merica, we are here, we’re feared - get used it.  America ‘aint affraid of no Canadians and that’s why America is the best.

This is Cletus, signin’ off - If you have any email comments, you can send the to cletus@americaisthebest.com

Keep on Truckin’ - ‘Merica.

America, I hope you’re all doin’ well.  I’m doin’ well mah’self.  I wanted to go over reason number 9 with ya’ll.  It’s supervision.  We as Americans are always on the go but we love sex.  Now, as obscure as that may sound - it does present itself a problem.  See, we Americans procreate.  And we love to procreate.  Now, we procreate so much that we have oodles and oodles of little chitlin’ runnin’ around.  Now ‘Merica, I aint the greatest daddah, but I know that when my kids are infront of that television I can feel rested with ease.  I look at that old TV as not only a form of entertainment, but education aswell. It’s without a doubt the greatest tool to the American Education system.  I’m glad we’re cuttin’ funding from our schools and what not, it’s just not needed.  We need to be investin’ just a tad bit more in the Television industry if I do say so mahself.  Infact, I think I may start a new iniative. ATPC, or the One Television Per Child iniative that offers a garantee that my children will be raised by soap-operahs and game shows.  Now, it’s still in it’s development phase so don’t expect to see anything any time soon.

Now the television has been babysitting our children for the last half a century and by now, they’re doin’ everything all right.  I don’t need to even speak to my children anymore, they’re just there - learning infront of shows like the OC and Judge Judy.  It builds character and keeps my children motivated to be hardworkin’ people.  All in all, the television is one of America’s greatest triumphs, without a doubt.   And that folks, is just another reason why America is better than you.